1. Attend buffets regularly. Why tear yourself away from an obscenely excessive spread of food catered for ferocious eaters like you? This is one marketing tactic that you will breathe and live for. Of course, it is secondary that your hunger has already been satiated after a second clearing of plates. You've paid for it, and ergo entitled to stay put until you've had at least twice of your money's worth.
2. Surrender your being to glorious temptation. Haven't they always told you to live in the moment? You will now, and enjoy the instant gratification of your food cravings, because who knows whether you might live another day to indulge in the sugar-laden goodness of a triple chocolate mousse brownie?
3. Spend a good portion of your day watching the television. Better yet if you have seasons of drama to catch up on, this will assure you of a considerable amount of time dedicated to the passive activity. It is best advised to do so straight after a heavy meal, and make sure you also prepare a snack of some sort. After all, TV and junk food complement each other like chicken wings and grease.
4. Constantly wear frumpy clothing. Comfort is key here. How can your body grow if you keep it wrapped under fitting layers of attire? Shun away from your going out outfits, throw on that baggy pair of bottoms! Your body (and bottom) will naturally expand without you noticing.
5. Reject all forms of physical activity. You shall be the embodiment of the sedentary lifestyle. Anything that requires you to exert more energy than making a sandwich is a no-go. Perspiration is ugly. *shudders*
This list is by no means exhaustive. If you have any surefire ways of piling on the pounds, feel welcome to submit your contributions down in the comments box. To track your progress, pick a T-shirt that fits you comfortably prior to your weight-gaining attempts and try it on every fortnightly. Results should show in no less than a month. All the best on your big endeavour!
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