I was fighting inside. I was fighting for the strong, vivacious woman I knew my grandma to be, someone that wouldn't simply roll with the punches life spitefully threw in her way. Call it blind faith, but I had steadfast belief that grandma would beat the unforgiving infection and I would be there to embrace her and tell her that I loved her.
The few snippets of news that reached me over the next three weekdays were bleak. Waves of distress and ache that crashed over me were most massive during the lonesome nights in hall. I felt so remote, helpless, and hated the fact that I couldn't drop all matters on hand and see my grandma in Malaysia. I never cried so hard in my life before.
The things that repeatedly played in my mind was how badly I wanted to say goodbye, to hug her and tell her that she was the best grandmother that anyone could have. To see pride fill her eyes when I tell her that I made it to University, that I always remembered her telling me to further my studies the last time I bid her goodbye at the parking lot two years ago. To tell her that I held high admiration for how feisty a lady she was, raising a household of 6 children and moulding my mother into the tenacious character that she is today. That I wanted to learn cooking from her, to do gardening in her backyard with my mum, to give her a back massage again, to just have one final chance to be the best granddaughter to her.
I never got the chance to do any of that. It was all too soon, too sudden. The funeral was held during that weekend in Malaysia, right before my final exams commenced. It was a grand affair, and many people came by to offer their respects and see my grandma off on her final journey. My mum told me that grandma was in the company of family and grandchildren during her final hour and went away peacefully in her room. I was comforted by that.
Grandma, in her passing, made me realise what love is. She is immortalized in the littlest of things, like the Penang food I eat, the patchwork blanket that she snitched together, and the photographs framed on the wall. Love will still exist even if the person isn't around anymore. Their presence can still be felt, in the hearts of their surviving loved ones.
3 comments:
I'm so sorry for your loss Jean, and that you couldn't see her for the last time because of circumstances here. It must have been hard to focus on your exams with all that to take, but I hope you seek solace in the knowledge she had a great life and an amazing grand-daughter like you. :)
Sometimes I think it's a pity that we can't be there for all the sudden moments we can't expect, but I'm confident that she's seen the best of you, as much as she possibly can. Even more so, I'm sure she already knows you'll become even better in the years to come.
I hope you're feeling better Jean! <3 Love you.
Thank you for being such an amazing friend Rach. :) You have no idea how comforting these words are to me. it scares me how we will never know when we will lose somebody close. I appreciate you for always being there at the right moments. <3
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